I've been a mother of babies for 8 years. It has been a crazy whirlwind. As my youngest baby was recently turning 3, it occurred to me that I am no longer a mother of babies.
It took me a minute to process this. I was brought to the realization of what I had taken on as my identity and where I thought I "should" be at this stage in life.
Leaving behind any season comes with moments of mourning as well as moments of relief. For me, I felt as though I was losing a piece of youth, watching as something I had always dreamed of in the future, became a part of my past. It was very strange and processing through was more intense than I had anticipated. I had never actually prepared for this because up until now, being a mother of babies was something I had planned for, not something I had said goodbye to.
I found myself feeling as though I should know better, do better, be better by now.
Mothers of babies can make all the mistakes and hide behind obviously expected fatigue.
Why am I still experiencing the insecurity? Why do I see myself reacting out of fear? Have I really not outgrown that yet?
I hear the song New Wine. Songs often help me process, help me bring situations into perspective, help me bring thoughts captive.
I have always known, even before I became a mother that my identity cannot be completely wrapped up in motherhood. So, why suddenly as I am realizing that I am past the stages of pregnancy, nursing, diapers, etc, am I asking the question, "Who am I?"
I had plans and ideas and goals for this person that I am now...I suppose I just assumed that after the baby stage I'd have it all together - as a wife, as a mother, as a woman....but I don't see it.
What do You see, Jesus?
When I seek Him, He reveals to me that He has just watched 8 amazing years go by...a series of losing things and finding things - often going out to buy the things I lost, only to find them again later.
He has seen me losing me and finding me... in the most familiar and also the most odd and unexpected places and spaces.
There have been wins and incredible milestones. Even though I have seen four children go through the stages of birth into childhood, it is miraculous and momentous at every stage, every time.
There have been epic fails along the way: the dentist tells us the kids have cavities...major mom fail. So much shame. God meets me there. He has enough grace for this. Breathe.
4 unique and amazing children... brilliant, beautiful, sweetness overflowing, heart exploding love. So proud, so in awe. God meets me there. He has so much more of this. Breathe.
It's all a process. His timing, His progress, His heart surgery. Just when I thought I was goooooood, like I've totally got this...I'm ripped open again...wide open exposure of insecurity...living with fear I didn't know was even there.
Jesus, You are there. You are here. Your love is more powerful than anything that can come against me.
A new season. Just because new seasons can may make us sneeze as different things get stirred up in the air, this doesn't mean we hide. We grab a tissue and face it head on.
I'm not alone.
Other women aren't for comparing myself to...stop that! Let them in...they are gifts from my Father. Be real, be vulnerable. Perfection or the appearance of it is no goal worth chasing.
Authenticity. Real days. No autopilot.
Really trying and then still getting it wrong is embarrassing. Ouch. It hurts. Bad. But only doing things with half of me is not life...it's not why He placed me here...for such a time as this!
Be in it...feel everything. Allow the process - internal, external. So worth it. He knows this...that's why we can trust Him.
New freedom.
Thought I was so free. I feel like He's telling me I ain't seen nothin yet...seen a lot...but it's nothing compared to what's coming...just wait.
Allow me to allow You, Jesus...
Mother of kids...I love it.
A wife of 10 years...so blessed. So much more to learn...so much more to experience. So much love for this man. He gets it. I mean he totally doesn't get it, because he's not meant to understand motherhood...but he really gets it - all the handling of my craziness. Amazed by his love. Partner. A powerful thing to have. Wow. Thank You God for this gift of our marriage.
Identity of daughter, though... that's where You want me focusing first.
I'm Yours, Jesus. Everything else stems from that. That remains consistent, through all the seasons of change. You are there as my loving Father. You see all things coming, and are not shocked, scared, or confused by any of it.
Make me a vessel of Your love. Flowing directly from You, as I abide.
As I travel through every new phase, I want to be open to everything You are doing in me and through me, which means keeping my focus off of me.
Jesus make new wine out of me.