My husband is my safe place. He's my comfy spot and my soft place to land. Turns out, though, that this does not mean he is a dumping ground for my dark things.
It's just not okay to plaster a smile on my face all day long while I'm out and about and then put it away when I get home. Just because I don't have to be "on" all the time at home doesn't mean I shouldn't still be loving him on purpose.
Jimmy cannot be my Jesus.
My husband plays a huge role in my life. He is so many things as my partner that I am in complete unity with. But often times I will take advantage of his love, and how comfortable I am with him. I have come up with a list of things that we shouldn't be depending on our husbands to provide for our lives, and instead allow Jesus into these spaces.
What the safe place of my husband is not:
a dumping ground for all negative things
a place to take and not give
a place to be quiet and not share
a place to turn the light off and sit in the dark...expecting his light to shine for us both
a complain station or a blaming station
I'm going to take a deeper dive into each of these as I have experienced them and as God has moved in my heart in these areas.
a dumping ground for all negative things
A lot of times I will hold things in when I am around other people, you know, be on my best behavior in public. This is not a bad thing, as we need to use discernment in who we are sharing or even oversharing with. We need to be very careful about who we allow into our processing. I am definitely an external processor and I have learned that not everyone has sound advice and response to help me with what I am going through.
I have found myself putting all of the responsibility on my husband to help me through my "stuff". Just because I can safely tell him everything, doesn't mean I should unload it all on him. A lot of times, his heart isn't prepared for it, he has his own "stuff" too.
I have learned to always bring everything to Jesus first. I can process with him till I'm blue in the face. He will be there to listen and offer perspective and wisdom for whatever I'm going through. How cool too, that I can then bring the situation to my husband's attention with fresh insight, allowing him to be a part of it with me, but not putting all the pressure on him to carry me through. That just isn't his job.
a place to take and not give
Thank You, Jesus that my husband loves me unconditionally. This is such a blessing. I love him unconditionally as well, but sometimes I really rest in the fact that he will always be there for me. God has showed me that I need to be actively pursuing my husband each day. There is always something new and fresh to encounter together. I need to be praying for him, and as I do, God shows me the most beautiful insight into his heart. He gives me understanding. He takes my focus off of what I need from Jimmy and instead of what I can give back to him.
We have completely different love languages, and the only way to understand one another is to seek the One who created us both. Along with this, is recognizing and receiving when he is going out of his way to serve my heart and show me love. Being humble enough to accept his help with authentic gratitude, and allowing God to show me moments where I can serve him too, especially when I feel only like resting in what I need.
a place to be quiet and not share
I have learned that it's not okay to gab all day to the amazing ladies in my life, and then keep my husband on the outside of it all. Once I have processed my thoughts and feelings with Jesus, Jimmy gets to be the first one to be let into those intimate places of my heart and mind. We share with one another first, and then let others in as well. This is just a way to honor what we have together, and keep one another first priority after our relationship with our sweet Savior.
a place to turn the light off and sit in the dark...expecting his light to shine for us both
My husband has the bright shiny light of Jesus inside of him. His heart and mind are absolutely extraordinary. I have found myself in the past, sort of letting myself off the hook in a way. Sitting back because I know that God is working in him and through him - almost like he alone carries the torch for our family.
I am naturally an introvert, so I love when the light shines out of him. I love to be the quiet support system for our family, in the background. My role in that area is important, but so is the light of Jesus within me. When I shine too, the light of our family is so much brighter and the love of God can move through us together even more powerfully.
We work together as one unit, so if I am sitting back when we are called to be together, everything will be off balance.
If I am in unity with him, we can be an even stronger force for the Kingdom.
a complain station or a blaming station
To be completely comfortable with your husband is such an incredible blessing. As we have both grown closer with the Lord, He has naturally drawn us closer to one another. It's so beautiful how that works, and yet we do have to be careful. We still live in a body of flesh and our thoughts need to be brought into captivity.
We have to be completely vigilant and purposeful in how we handle even the most seemingly simple situations. Things can get out of hand quickly if we let our flesh drive. Just because I am totally free with Jimmy and I know I can tell him anything, doesn't mean I should. Sometimes it is so much easier to complain to him instead of doing the work to find something to be thankful in the midst of everything. This is harmful, because it just brings us both down. I can take a few moments to complain instead, to Jesus, and then cut it off, allowing Him to speak His truth into what is going on. Then I have a cool testimony to share with my husband to encourage him instead.
Blaming Jimmy for things is also the easy way out. "Well, if you didn't do this...." or "It wasn't my fault, you forgot that...". So totally fruitless! Seriously, who cares whose fault it is? Jimmy loves me! He is for me! We are on the same team! We are one! If something is going wrong, we are in it together, and it doesn't matter how we got there, the point is to move forward together.
The enemy is wanting so much to cause division in marriage. We need to come against this attack by leaning into the truth of what Jesus has to say. Seeking Him first in everything will always allow us to present ourselves as a true partner. Vulnerability is so important with our spouses, and I am not suggesting that we ever hide anything. This has been interesting in our relationship as God has been revealing these things to my heart. I used to totally blurt out everything on my mind all the time, no matter if it was kind or not. Jimmy was a free target and a complete dumping ground... no matter what happened, in my mind it was his fault and I just had to let him know that. So more recently, I have quieted myself, learning to run to Jesus with everything. The enemy tried to use this against us by whispering in my husband's ear that I was hiding something from him. Total lies, but sometimes what he whispers seems like it could be true. So I had to explain that I wasn't hiding anything, but that I am not just bringing everything to him first any more. It's just not healthy. Sometimes, there are things on my mind that are simply not true, that in the past I would make a huge deal about causing a totally unnecessary fight. I have been learning to allow God into my heart and mind, to change my perspective before I talk to Jimmy about it. Once I explained this to him, he was able to understand, and I'm guessing he was relieved that he didn't have to have those deer in headlight moments anymore thinking..."Where the heck is this coming from? How did she come to that conclusion?" So much of this happens with hormonal swings too, am I right girls??
God has so much for us in marriage. He has so much for us to share with those around us. Let's not get in the way, by putting things on our men that are really not theirs to carry. Let's let Jesus into those places, so we can have more intimacy, more fun and deeper love.